The languages of love

Since last year, I have had the opportunity to speak many times about theEnneagram : a personality model describing 9 major types of profiles. It is a very effective way to talk about perception, communication and interactions between people.

As my interventions and exchanges with the participants progressed, a theme often came up in our conversations: the couple.

It was both a surprise and then an obvious one for me. Indeed, my initial intention was to take this mapping into the business world and therefore into the professional relationship, but what is the relationship that we want so much to work? The one with our entourage of course, our loved ones and probably even more, our half!

I then became interested in this area and after a few encounters, I was recommended to read the bestseller by Gary Chapman : the languages of love. And I was not disappointed !

Here is an article that I hope will help you improve the relationships you hold dear! 😉

let's talk about love

Love is at the heart of human culture. Whatever our situation, it is a theme at the heart of our life concerns. We can also see it in everything that has flourished on this subject in recent years: television programs, books, videos, seminars, dating sites of all kinds...

Loving intimately and feeling loved is a quest for everyone, in their own way.

Love is a decision. It is an attitude that orients us towards others and not towards ourselves, which seeks the good of others and not our own. If someone loves me, then I'm valuable.

Love is not the answer to all difficulties but creates a climate of security conducive to the search for it.

Child psychiatrists say that to become emotionally stable, a child needs to satisfy certain basic emotional needs:

He must have the certainty of knowing that he belongs to someone and that he is wanted.

Without this, the child runs the risk of becoming an adult handicapped in terms of affectivity and sociability.

The emotional reservoir

Dr. Ross Campbell, a psychiatrist specializing in the treatment of children and adolescents, uses a metaphor:

In every child there is a “emotional reservoir” who asks only to be filled with love. When the child feels loved, he develops normally, but when his love reservoir is empty, he subsequently experiences behavioral problems. Most of the time, the misbehavior of the child is explained by his obsession with wanting to extract affection from a reservoir that remains stubbornly empty.

Another image that can be used is that of a car's engine oil. My mechanical knowledge does not exceed the stage of "if there's more oil, it's not cool", I asked the following question to Google: what happens if i run out of oil in my car?

Here is one response I got:

You should know that this liquid lubricates the engine parts. Thus, these parts do not damage each other when the engine is running. In addition, the oil also keeps the engine cool and cleans the engine, removing deposits.

With the tank empty, we get carried away more quickly (the engine heats up) and all our negative emotional experiences taint our interactions with the other (deposits). If we can't let go of past events, emotions like resentment or revenge eat away at us and prevent us from opening up to others.

love and love at first sight

It is important to distinguish love from love at first sight.

Indeed, love at first sight is what could be called “obsessive love”. It's a euphoric experience that fills our emotional reservoir but also loses awareness of reality. Indeed, when you are in love, you are able to move mountains or even to reach the moon it seems! 😉

It is an illusion to believe that it will last forever. Indeed, Dr. Dorothy Tennov, a psychologist, concluded that the average lifespan of the lightning strike is about 2 years before one descends back to Earth. This after an in-depth study of the subject and the meeting of many couples.

According to Dr. Peck, a psychiatrist who worked with Dr. Dorothy Tennov, love at first sight cannot be linked to love for 3 reasons:

• It does not come from a decision voluntarily or by conscious choice. After all, lightning “falls on us” right? 🙂
• It does not require no conscious effort : everything is possible (and seems easy) to achieve for the other even if it may seem strange and absurd! The moon do you remember?
• The lover doesn't really care about personal development » of the other, nor of his: it's normal, since he or she is perfect!

Love is in the realm of emotion, not obsession. It is a voluntary and reasoned intention, in the interest of the other, which will prove that he or she is truly desired. It will fill his reservoir of love and fulfill his basic emotional need.

The 5 languages of love

The French language may be considered in the world as the language of love, this notion remains nonetheless vague. In fact, we use it for everything: "I like rice", " I love my cat ", “I love bungee jumping”, " I love my wife "… or even to justify some of our actions “in the name of love”! In our case, it is above all the emotional dimension that interests us. The one that will allow us to feed the other's reservoir of love.

Note: It is interesting to see that in English, the distinction is well made with the terms “like” and “love” even if their use sometimes seems a little risky! 😛

Language structures everything in the inter-human relationship

– Jacques Lacan, French doctor and psychoanalyst

There are different ways to express love to another: this is what Gary Chapman calls "languages". Some are easier for us to use, like our mother tongue. And like French and Chinese, it can appear very different or even incomprehensible to the other. It also seems common that the 2 partners of a couple do not use the same one, it would not be funny otherwise!

Gary Chapman defines 5 languages of love:

• Words of appreciation
• The quality moments
• Gifts
• Services rendered
• physical contact

Of course, we all appreciate these 5 languages, but it is important to differentiate those that just make us happy from those that give us the real feeling of being loved.

One way to find your preferred language is for example to complete the following sentence (as concretely as possible):

I feel most loved by my other half when...

Gary Chapman says that we tend to give to others what is dear to us and therefore what we would like to receive in return. Now, that's not a hard and fast rule.

We have 1 or even 2 languages to which we are particularly sensitive, which is therefore the case for the other as well. Thus, to guarantee a fulfilling relationship, it is essential to identify the language of his or her partner and to learn to express oneself in it.

Let’s describe these different languages and their dialects in a little more detail! 😉

Language of love #1: Uplifting words

A compliment is worth a kiss

-Alfred de Musset We do not play with love, 1934

This first language consists of pronouncing words that please the other, such as:

" You're pretty ! », " You smell good ! », « You are good in this field! »,

"People are lucky to have you!" “, “This top suits you very well! » 

However, beware of flattery – excessive compliments – because love is not about getting what we want, but about acting in the interest of the one we love.

There are different ways to express this language – Gary then speaks of dialects:

• encouraging words

To encourage is to give courage to another in whom we believe that he has all the resources to achieve what he wishes. A word can allow the other to overcome his hesitations, to take this long-awaited first step to embark on this adventure that he so desires.

It is important to make the difference between pressuring the other to do what you want:

It would be good if you got back to sport, you would feel better!

Indeed, it can sound like a judgment that risks giving rise to or accentuating guilt: rejection is then expressed rather than love in this case.

and encourage him to achieve what he wants:

You told me yesterday that you wanted to get into this new project. It's a great idea and I'm sure you'll succeed in everything you do! If you need me, I'll be there to support you. Do not worry about the logistics because if it is important to you, we will be able to organize ourselves.

To encourage is in fact to say:

I know. I share. I am by your side. How can I help you?.

• The kind words

This dialect is mainly about the way we express our message. Indeed, a " I like you " expressed with kindness and tenderness can be perceived as a real and authentic proof of love. Now, in the tone of a question, it can cast doubt on the meaning of words or even make fun of them.

It is also possible to talk about difficult things in a tender way:

I was hurt by what you said about me last night

Spoken with sincerity and gentleness, these words are a true proof of love for the other. Indeed, rather than accusing him, it is a way of sharing his pain, his vulnerability, by opening up to others in order to be able to heal. It is to maintain the intimacy of the couple to move forward together. In the contrary case, it is to put the other in prey to a condemnation.

The past must stay in the past. To love someone is to strive to see the future as an opportunity not to repeat mistakes by having learned something together.

One can choose bitterness, resentment and revenge or choose forgiveness.

Love is indeed a voluntary decision and a conscious choice.

• The humble words

To develop a fulfilling intimate relationship, it is necessary to know our mutual desires. However, the shape still matters here.

Formulate requests rather than requirements

Thus, it is expressing oneself to the other as an adult rather than creating an asymmetry of relationship where one will be an adult and the other will be a child: ego states of transactional analysis describe this mechanism well.

The fact of expressing a desire to the other is to underline his value and his abilities to understand and realize it.

Finally, any request or request can be refused. Otherwise it would be called an order!

Knowing that the other has voluntarily responded to our request, just to please us,

is this not then a true proof of love?

Language of Love #2: Quality Moments

This second language involves giving the other total, undivided attention. It is a powerful way to communicate love to others.

What really matters is being together. We are therefore not only talking about physical proximity but about emotional connection. The activity is secondary in itself, it is only a pretext to have the feeling of emotional unity.

There are still different dialects here:

• Quality dialogues

There is a notable difference with the language of empowering words in the sense that the emphasis is on the quality of listening and not on the quality of what is said.

Indeed, we are talking here about authentic discussion where we are deeply interested in the other. This therefore requires questions carried out with kindness with the desire to better understand their thoughts, feelings and desires.

The objective is not always to find a solution:

If I give the other my full attention,

it's not to defend me or take it back,

it is to better understand.

Having quality time isn't just about listening. It also means learning to speak by expressing your emotions and feelings to open up to others and give them the opportunity to get to know you better.

• Quality activities

Another way to have some quality time is to share an activity together.

To do so, it must meet the following criteria:

• One of the two wants to undertake it
• The other wants to join in
• Both know why they do it: to express their love to each other by being together

Language of love #3: gifts

This third language is perhaps the one that seems the most obvious: when I give someone a gift, it's because I wanted to bring them a little love through what I'm giving them.

This generally results in a set of small attentions such as:

• bring a rose to his wife in the evening when he returns,
• buy her raspberries because you know she loves them,
• play your favorite music during dinner,
• bring her breakfast in bed on Sunday mornings,
• send him a tender sms during the day,
• …

A gift is a symbol of emotional significance: as a wedding ring can represent the couple's love, making the symbol disappear is like making the love disappear.

When talking about gifts, it is difficult not to mention the question of money. In reality, the market value of what we offer is of little importance because the act itself is a proof of love!

A gift that speaks better than any object that could hold the hand is the gift of oneself, of one's presence. Indeed, being present when the other needs it is one of the most beautiful gifts that we can give him. The body then becomes the symbol of love.

Language of love #4: services rendered

This fourth language consists of providing all the aids that could please the other and which would relieve him of certain tasks.

All of these activities could be considered services rendered:

• cook,
• do the ironing,
• clean the house,
• pick up the kids from school,
• replace cat litter,
• change the blind that no longer works,
• move the car which is badly parked,
• …

All of these tasks require thought, organization, time, effort and energy.

Again, love results from a free, unconstrained decision. Thus, these tasks carried out with a positive spirit can only be an authentic expression of love for the other!

It is important to ensure that these actions are carried out out of the other's own will and not out of fear, guilt or resentment. On this subject, Gary Chapman uses a metaphor:

The doormat is an inanimate object.

You can wipe your feet on it, shake it, kick it, do whatever you want with it.

He has no will of his own. He can serve you, but not love you.

Language of love #5: physical contact

This fifth language consists in expressing one's love to another through physical contact.

Indeed, we have known for some time that touch is an extremely powerful means of communicating love. So much so that we have seen cuddled, pampered, kissed babies develop more emotionally stable personalities than babies who have not received any physical contact.

Our body is particularly sensitive to touch. Indeed, a contact can make or break a relationship depending on whether it expresses hate or love.

Touching my body is like touching my soul.

Running away from my body is moving away from me on an emotional level.

There are 2 types of loving touch:

• Explicitly localized with total attention: massages, foreplay...
• light and furtive: a caress on the face, taking your hand on the table while waiting for dessert...

It is important to keep in mind that what gives us pleasure from physical touch is not necessarily shared by the other. Thus, remaining attentive to their needs and desires remains the best strategy! 😉

Finally, it is when we are going badly that we most need to be loved. If your half is in some pain and is sensitive to the language of touch, it is better to take her in your arms to make her feel that you are present rather than trying to console her with words!

Loving an unlovable person?

In any relationship, there are ups and downs. We can feel abused, mistreated, poorly considered and yet have this will to believe that it can still work.

In general, if we are kind to others, they tend to be kind to us.

But that doesn't mean we can make a person kind by being kind to them.

From what we have seen previously, we can consider that these malevolent acts towards us are mostly due to an empty emotional reservoir of the other. If love is still present, one strategy is to identify and communicate with the other in their primary love language in order to fulfill their basic emotional needs. Of course, there is no guarantee that things will improve, but it is an avenue to study.

In the case where the love is no longer, it is always possible for us to act for the other. However, it is necessary to differentiate thelove-feeling of the'love-action :

• In the first case, if we make the other believe that we love them when this is not true, we are in hypocrisy and manipulation: which obviously does not bode well.
• However, nothing prevents us from carrying out a love action (in the fact that it will be beneficial to the other) without feeling a great love

Conclusion

Love languages are an effective way to better understand and interact with the people you care about. They can be used both with adults and with children, who already express signs of affection for their parents and those around them from an early age.

I found it interesting to see that in the area of communication and interactions, both professional and personal, the recommendations are quite similar:

1. Observe how it works to get to know each other better: because it all starts at home!
2. Find out how others work in order to better understand his thoughts, his emotions, his desires
3. Learn to express your emotions and desires in order to create a framework of trust and intimacy
4. Accept others without judging them in order to keep an open mind to exchange and sharing
5. Keep a positive outlook on the future so that all opportunities can nurture and strengthen the relationship

The Enneagram and the Nonviolent Communication are therefore very good tools to move in this direction.

I hope this article has been able to give you a different perspective on your relationships and that it will be a harbinger of happier days!

In any case, that's what I wish you! 🙂

Don't hesitate to let me know! 😉